


Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

by Marrilyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Holding Hands, Hugs, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 16:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13930515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrilyn/pseuds/Marrilyn
Summary: Rowena opens up about what Lucifer did to her.





	Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

"He showed me his face."

"What?"

"Lucifer. He… Before he crushed my skull, he showed me his true face."

Your face creased into a frown, then your expression turned soft. For days on end, Rowena would burst into tears at random; every time it would take over an hour to calm her down. Nights had become sleepless. You couldn't remember the last time you had a good, uninterrupted night of sleep. Only waking up once in the middle of the night had become nothing short of a miracle.

Rowena had spent weeks avoiding the subject. Every time you'd ask her about it, she would shut down. Sometimes she'd just stay quiet. Other times she'd change the subject.

You thought today would be the same. You had barely managed to calm her down; for the past hour you had done nothing but hold her and whisper that she was safe over and over again, like a prayer to some unreachable deity. Half the time you doubted your words of comfort, but these were the rare few you stuck by. She was safe. No matter what Lucifer planned next, he wasn't going to hurt her again.

Rowena had finally calmed down, sobs fading into blissful silence, when she spoke up.

A part of you wished she hadn't.

"He… blinded you…"

Rowena stared straight ahead, avoiding your eyes. Her lips trembled in the same rhythm as her hands. She nodded.

"Yes. I… I couldn't see him. Couldn't defend myself."

"Oh, god," you breathed. _Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god._ Not only had the bastard ruthlessly bashed her skull in. He had made her defenseless, had rid her of one of the most important – if not _the_ most important – senses. He was already more powerful than her. One witch's magic, no matter how powerful she was, couldn't measure with an archangel's power. The fight had been unfair from the very beginning.

What he had done was overkill.

He hadn't meant to only eliminate the threat. He wanted to hurt her. For no reason other than pleasure.

Rowena swallowed. Tears gathered in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall. She had cried enough for one day. Talking about it was hard enough.

"I'm scared, Y/N," she admitted. "All the time. I keep seeing him – the real him – in my dreams. Like he's haunting me. He won't leave me alone. No matter what I do, he's always there. I can't escape him. I try to run, but he always finds me. Even during the day. Things remind me of him. Normal things. I can't control the memories. They just appear and I'm helpless again."

Posttraumatic stress disorder.

You wanted to weep. Rowena had always seemed invincible. She had been tortured more times than you could count. She had been abandoned, betrayed, and deceived. She had been wounded and shattered. And throughout all that she'd come out with her head high, all her pieces back together, forming a picture of class and perfection, of victory that could never be tarnished.

How could Lucifer break a woman like that?

Gently, you moved your hand to rest atop one of hers. Your fingers twined with her pale, slender ones. They were unusually cold. Rowena was the warmer one of the two of you, skin always hot to the touch. The coldness was unlike her.

"You're not helpless," you said.

"I am."

"You're not. I won't let anyone hurt you."

She finally looked at you. Her lips curled into a small, barely noticeable smile. "I appreciate the sentiment, dear, but Lucifer is way out of your league."

Usually, she would say things like that in a condescending manner. Now, she was only speaking the truth. You were no match for Lucifer.

"The one in your head is not," you said.

Rowena breathed. "He won't go away. He never does. You can't… He won't leave."

"You won't be alone when he comes." She frowned. Your expression remained determined, in complete sync with your words. "I'm gonna be here. No matter what. He doesn't get to keep hurting you. I won't let him."

"You can't stop him."

"I can try." You squeezed her hand. _"We_ can try. We'll get through this. I promise."

"How?" Rowena whimpered, on the verge of falling apart once more.

"We'll find a way. We always do."

"Not this time. He won. Lucifer won."

"Don't you give up. You hear me, sweetheart? He wins when you die. And you're not dead."

"I can't keep living like this."

"I know it's hard. I know," you said in a soothing tone and cupped her cheeks. You pressed your forehead to hers. "But you have to." A few tears slipped down your cheeks. "I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. But I'll be here."

You had already let her down once, when you left her all alone in that hotel room. You would never make the same mistake again.

"Alright," Rowena allowed after a few silent moments. She pulled back, teary eyes locking with yours. "It hurts, Y/N."

"I know, sweetheart. I can't even imagine how much."

You pulled her to you. She let you, curling into you with ease, the movement learned, practiced. She had done it a thousand times, curled up in your arms like a child seeking protection. You would let her do it a thousand times more, and then some. Taking care of her had been a gift. Rowena never let people get that close; centuries of pain had taught her to trust no one but herself. You were an exception. It had taken you a lot of time to earn that privilege. You weren't going to take it for granted.

Rowena wept, tears staining your shirt. You held her close to you, held her against you. Your heart beat in sync with hers, a melody both soothing and saddening. You would protect her, even at the cost of your life. Cross your heart and hope to die.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by OswinTheStrange.


End file.
